Seattle NBA Fans, We Need To Talk


“He’s been haunting my dreams at night. I’ve been bleeding from tripping in the dark trying to turn on the light.”

Today, Seattle City Council voted on whether or not they were willing to give up South Occidental Ave to an investment group with intentions to build an arena to house the NBA in downtown Seattle. The council did say that they are open to bringing back the NBA to Seattle and are interested in exploring other options. Whether that’s believable remains to be seen.

This is a massive blow to basketball fans who are still very upset about losing the Seattle Supersonics to Oklahoma City in 2008, and they came in droves to show support this afternoon only to see their hoop dreams be crushed by a 5-4 vote.

I’ve been watching you, disgruntled former NBA fan. You’re living up to those Lovable losers, Lloyd Dobbler archetypes. Carrying a boombox outside of Chesapeake Arena hoping that someone will have a change of heart and rightfully return the NBA franchise where they truly belong. HOME.

But there comes a time in life where you have to realize that chasing after something that left so long ago is not productive whatsoever. You need to look inside and start working on you. There’s a great big world out there with a lot of great, smart, funny, attractive NBA franchises that are just dying for you to buy a ticket to their game. It will feel a little strange at first to play the field, and you may think the Sonics won’t approve. But when they left, they said that ultimately they wanted you to be happy.

This is a great time to think about lifting that NBA boycott as the playoffs are heating up and there are going to be some interesting storylines not only in the playoffs but also in this upcoming offseason.

  • The Warriors beat the record for most regular season wins by an NBA team EVER with 73. They just lost their best player Steph Curry for a few weeks, but he will be back shooting threes from 50 feet out in no time. They are probably going to win the title and they have cool uniforms. Jump on the bandwagon.
  • The Toronto Raptors always have Drake hanging out courtside and they are in the second round for the first time in fifteen years. They also have cool uniforms.
  • Kevin Durant is going to be a free agent this offseason (maybe) he could go back to OKC (CALM DOWN) he could go home to the Wizards (He’s from DC) or maybe he could replace Kobe with the Lakers.
  • OH! Kobe is gone, he retired. The Lakers were very bad this year so they could get a nice draft pick to replace him. Bad Lakers were actually sort of fun to watch this year, and I feel gross typing that.
  • Tom Thibodeau is going to be running the Minnesota Timberwolves. The T-Wolves are a very talented, young team and a coach like Thibs could be what finally puts it all together for a playoff run.
  • Space Jam 2 is coming and it will be starring a young upstart named LeBron James. You may remember him from Trainwreck. No, that was John Cena. The basketball player.

I can’t tell you what to do. But your friends and I have been talking and we’re worried about you. It’s been eight years, and you’re still talking about this. The boycotts, the Twitter meltdowns, the trips to Portland when they go up there to play. We normally wouldn’t get involved like this, but we feel we need to intervene. We know you’re capable of being happy. We’ve seen you happy before. We miss that side of you. We love you either way, but at the end of the day it’s hurting us all to see you like this. Just maybe check out the semifinals and see if any team speaks to you. If not, we can watch the lottery and the draft and try building something from the ground up. Looks like you could use a hobby anyway.

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